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Medical Fun with Christmas Carols

Warning: If you are offended by humor that depends on psychiatric and medical diagnoses, read no further.

Disclaimer: Before anyone complains (and in this age of exaggerated political correctness, someone surely will), let me make it clear that I mean no disrespect to people suffering from the illnesses mentioned below. I have the greatest empathy for sick people, and I have encountered several of these conditions in my own family and have actually experienced four of them myself. Humor about them doesn’t offend me, and I hope it will not offend you. Also, my mention of Christmas and Hanukkah songs is not intended to endorse any religious belief.

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After a year of serious talk about mostly discouraging things, I thought it was time for a totally frivolous post to cheer us up with a little holiday humor. A friend sent me a list of “Christmas Carols for the Psych Ward.” I thought they were funny, and I’ve copied the best of them below. I’ve added a few of my own for other medical diagnoses, and then I added several about complementary and alternative medicine.

Christmas Carols for the Psych Ward

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

AMNESIA: I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and….

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…

AUTISTIC: Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock …

SENILE DEMENTIA: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe

 

Christmas Carols for Other Medical Conditions

Argyria: Silver Balls

Mumps: The Chipmunk Song

Depression: Blue Christmas.

Rosacea: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Rhinophyma patient

Hypothyroidism: Baby It’s Cold Outside (and Inside too)

Obesity: We want some figgy pudding. (from We Wish You a Merry Christmas)

Scotomas (defects in visual field): O Holey Night

Edentulous: All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth (along with the rest of them).

Alcoholic: Here We Come A-Wassailing

Deaf: Silent Night

Tinnitus: Jingle Bells

Narcolepsy: Shepherds! Shake Off Your Drowsy Sleep

 

Christmas Carols for Complementary and Alternative Medicine

Chiropractors: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (and we can fix the resulting subluxations).

Acupuncture: The Twelve Acupoints of Christmas

Homeopathy: Kissin’ By The Mistletoe [Viscum album, one drop of mistletoe extract diluted to 30C and deposited on a sugar pill. Shaken, not stirred.].

Customer for penis enlargement products: I Have a Little Dreidel

Probiotics: The Friendly Beasts

Colon cleansing: Come, All Ye Feces-full

Herbalists: “Greens/Leaves”

Faith healers: Rise Up (out of your wheelchairs) Shepherds and Follow

TCM practitioners: From East to West

CAM believers responding to SBM: You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

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Playing with song titles can be great fun. Think up some of your own and post them in the comments section. It makes a great holiday pastime or party game.

Best Wishes for Whatever You Celebrate: Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Newton’s Birthday and Winter Solstice to All!

Posted in: Humor

Leave a Comment (21) ↓

21 thoughts on “Medical Fun with Christmas Carols

  1. Chris says:

    Okay, doctors do have a weird sense of humor. But it jogged a memory…

    This weekend I listened to the Science Friday podcast, which included a long article with the psychiatrist who wrote a book on working weekends at Bellevue’s psych ward. In the interview she mentioned some of the interesting things she heard while working with these patients, including the interesting use of words in observations, which she described as poetry.

    I was reminded of a time while a college student when on the bus I listened to the conversation of two people, one who was a disgruntled young man, and the other who was an older man who may have either been really nice, or falling into a delusional state. The young man would complain about how terrible life was, only to be followed by the older man saying “The world is beautiful, the sun is coming up, look at the colors, people are beautiful!”… it was very surreal.

  2. DevoutCatalyst says:

    Agoraphobic: All I Want for Christmas is to stay Home for The Holidays.

  3. Diane Jacobs says:

    Claus-trophobia. (Can’t think of a song, hope the condition on its own will suffice.)

  4. windriven says:

    And for the substance abuse clinic-

    I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas

  5. provaxmom says:

    Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent night, Holy…. oooh look at the kitten….

    Paranoid —Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

    Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells….just wait, I have to say it 20 more times before we can move on to the next stanza.

  6. CW says:

    I’ll poke fun at myself. I have a lisp and use to sing the following….

    ‘We wisth you a Merry Christhmasth, We wisth you a Merry Christhmasth…

    (and my favorite day from ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’…)

    “On the Stheventh Day of Christhmasth…Stheven Swansth A’ Sthwimming”

  7. I’ll throw in my two conditions–

    Asperger’s syndrome: “The 1100 Days of Christmas”

    Bipolar disorder: “Have a Holly Jolly Blue Christmas”

  8. skepchick says:

    Can’t resist joining in the fun.

    Alzheimer’s: “I Wonder as I Wander”

    Seasonal Affective Disorder: “In the Bleak Midwinter”

    Substance Abuse: “Angels We Have Heard While High”

    Pyromania: “Bring a Torch, Jeannette, Isabella”

    Obesity: “I Want a Hippopotamus (to eat) for Christmas”

    Hypersexuality: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, and Uncle Sam, and Elvis, and Every Other Man She Ever Met”

  9. JerryM says:

    perky_skeptic, that is by no means an asperger trait.

    Aspergers: Jesus Christ the Apple Tree. I don’t get it. How can he be an apple tree?

  10. Henchminion says:

    *Sigh* I know you’re trying to be funny and all, but could we please stop confusing obesity with binge eating disorder? I understand that you’re trying to have a little bit of light-hearted, politically incorrect fun, but look at the harm that it does.

  11. JerryM, we could be really Aspergery and argue all night about the meaning and precise delineation of the condition while the other carolers drink all the eggnog? :D

  12. windriven says:

    And for our dear friend Sen. Tom Harkin (D-IA):

    Oh Come All Ye Faith Healers

  13. Jojo says:

    For the dyslexics: Satan Claus is Coming to Town.

    I was going to say The First Neol…Nole…Noel but I can’t remember what the rule about when two vowels go walking.

  14. skepchick says:

    OK Henchminion:

    We’ll substitute “Prader-Willi” for all the uses of “obesity” but didn’t you read the disclaimer?

  15. JerryM says:

    Perky Skeptic; you mean nobody else is interested in a detailed explanation about the impossibilities of jesus being an apple tree?

  16. Henchminion says:

    Hi Skepchick,

    I read the disclaimer, but I don’t think humour or Christmas are good reasons to depart from scientific thinking. Obesity is a risk factor, not a disease in and of itself. Calorie deprivation has been found time and again to produce extremely limited results as a treatment. In fact, as the blog I linked to above shows, I think it’s become one of those ridiculous universal panaceae. People are getting hurt and a certain part of the mainstream medical community is complicit in that damage.

  17. skepchick says:

    Sorry Henchminion, your information is erroneous. Obesity is a disease. According to the CDC, obesity is defined as a body mass index of 30 or higher. According to the NIDDK, it can also be an abnormally high percentage of body fat. Obesity has its own ICD-9 codes. No, I don’t think obesity is funny at all; it is a health problem in and of itself, it is a public health disaster, and it is a risk factor for countless other diagnoses. But this post wasn’t specifically about obesity or any other single diagnosis. It was about having a good belly laugh, a Santa-sized “Ho Ho Ho!”

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you and yours.

  18. keleton says:

    @ provaxmom

    Your OCD Jingle bells is reminiscent of my toddler’s version. Love it!

  19. Henchminion says:

    In that case, according to the CDC’s definition, about half of the athletes in the Ultimate Fighting Championship are “diseased”. I think it’s one of those cases where there’s a blurry line between pathology and natural human variation. I mean, maleness could be considered a disease and a disaster. It also takes five years off your life expectancy, after all. From the perspective of an Australian, being American could be a disease too. That also takes five years off your life.

    What worries me is that obesity is routinely conflated with overeating and discussions on the subject always seem to end up loaded with moral outrage. Obese people are routinely instructed to repeat variations of the Minnesota Starvation Experiment, even though it’s been pretty thoroughly discredited as a treatment. I just wish that people could have an actual science-based discussion on the subject once in awhile.

  20. Harriet Hall says:

    Henchminion said “I just wish that people could have an actual science-based discussion on the subject once in awhile.”

    We did: http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/?p=181

    Obesity is conflated with over-eating because if you don’t eat more calories than you burn you can’t become obese. And there is only one way to lose weight; the devil is in the details.

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