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Santa Visits the Hospital

Since Val has broken the ice, I thought I would offer some more Christmas humor. The following is a Narrative Summary (a report of a hospitalization) that was circulated at the Plattsburgh Air Force hospital where I worked in 1986. I published it in my memoirs, Women Aren’t Supposed to Fly. Unfortunately I don’t know who wrote it, so I can’t give credit where credit is due.

Kringle, K. AD/Arctic AF 0-7 000-00-0000
D & T: ELF
USAF Hospital Plattsburgh, Plattsburgh AFB, NY 12903
Register number: classified.
Date of admission: 24 December 1986
Date of discharge: AMA 0100 25 December 1986

CHIEF COMPLAINT: Frostbitten tallywhacker.
HISTORY OF THE PRESENT ILLNESS: The patient is a three hundred and eight year old supernatural being employed as a stealth sleigh driver, powered by reindeer, who comes in on Christmas Eve stating that he was coming over the northern part of the Yukon Territory and, unfortunately, the fly of his pants came open, and his member was exposed to some rather cold air flowing by at rather high velocity. Unfortunately, he did not notice right at first and attempted to slide down a chimney at which point, he then scraped his member on the edge of the bricks. He now comes in appearing quite uncomfortable, and complaining of pain in his genital area. He also noted some mild abdominal discomfort, and admits to drinking large amounts of ethylene glycol earlier this evening, prior to his trip. The patient is rather vague about his trip but indicates that he really needs to be on his way, and really just wants something for his pain.
PAST AND FAMILY HISTORY: The patient gives a remarkable lack of much past history despite his age. He notes that about this time every year he does get rather anxious and occasionally requires some sedatives to calm him down. He also has occasional bouts with hemorrhoids, and was recently seen at this hospital for the same complaint while on a supply run. Family history is rather unremarkable, in fact, he doesn’t recall that he has any family other than his wife, twenty-two elves, and eight reindeer – one who seems to be constantly bothered by a red and runny nose. He is employed as a sleigh driver for the Arctic Air Force, but fails to reveal much other detail, saying he is on a “Super-Duper Top Clearance Mission.” He does claim to have recently recharged his batteries. Apparently, by that he means he had a nuclear-powered penile implant because he said even at 308 years old he still does enjoy his sexual activity, and that he just wasn’t quite as potent as he used to be.
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION: The patient has a blood pressure of 168/90. Pulse is 72, and regular. Respiratory rate is 18. He is afebrile. The patient is a rather old, jolly fellow. He is dressed in fur from his head to his foot and his clothes are all tarnished with ashes and soot. His eyes have a twinkle, his dimples how merry. His cheeks are like roses, his nose like a cherry. The stump of a pipe he clenches in his teeth, and the smoke encircles his head like a wreath. He is rather short, and has a little round belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. The rest of the examination is remarkable for a rather large member. It appears to have some external abrasions, and some very mild frostbite at the tip. An eerie glow seems to emanate from his left femoral region, this is apparently his nuclear-powered implant.
LABORATORY DATA: Is remarkable for an ethylene glycol level of 38.
DIAGNOSIS: 1. Frostbitten penis secondary to exposure with some external abrasions.
  2. Ethylene glycol intoxication.
  3. Obesity, and mild gastritis secondary to number 2 and to excessive intake of snacks tonight.
COURSE IN THE HOSPITAL: The patient was admitted to the Internal Medicine Service. Surgical consultation with Dr. Costanzo was obtained, who debrided some frostbitten area. Right after this, the patient became quite agitated and signed out against medical advice (AMA) stating that he had a trip which he must complete tonight.
DISPOSITION: The patient was advised to keep his member covered for the remainder of the trip, and that we will look forward to seeing him again next year.

Signature of Physician: William Osler, M.D.

Merry Christmas to All!

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The Christmas “Miracle”

I noted that “humor” is a designated category at Science Based Medicine, and that I hadn’t made full use of it yet. I hope that the holiday season has put you in the mood for a whimsical look at Christmas – from my “skeptical family” to yours. Enjoy!

***

My sister Vicki lives in Grand Rapids, Michigan with her husband, three children and an alarmingly large and slobbery Saint Bernard named Gilbert. Several Christmases ago she decided to teach her then 5-year-old son, Harrison, about Christmas tree decorating. She took him to a Christmas tree farm and helped him select a tree. They hauled it back to the house and my sister managed, with no help whatsoever from Gilbert, to set it up in a nice corner of the living room. The tip of the tree reached the ceiling and its full figured branches spread from icy window to window.

Vicki and Harrison spent hours and hours winding lights, tinsel, ornaments, paper angels and popcorn strings around the tree. Little Harrison couldn’t wait to see the final product, with glittering lights and a magical star to top off their fine work. They decorated into the early evening, and the living room grew dark as the sun set over the snow covered neighborhood. At last it was time to plug in the tree lights.

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Now there’s something you don’t see on TV every day…

I rather like Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Unfortunately, I seldom get to watch, mainly because I usually show up at work sometime between 7:00 and 7:30 AM, and I don’t like watching more than a few minutes of video on my computer.

However, Hugh Laurie, star of House, was interviewed by Conan and revealed himself to be not unlike me in that he’s definitely a booster of reason and science in medicine over irrationality and dubious “complementary and alternative medicine” (CAM) therapies. In fact, his attitude towards CAM appears to be not at all unlike that of the character he plays on House. Check out the interview. (If you want to watch, the relevant part of the interview begins at about 23:50 into the show.)

For those who might have problems playing Internet video, I’ve found a transcript:
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Posted in: Health Fraud, Humor, Science and Medicine, Science and the Media

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Another take on those “50 Facts About Homeopathy”

You may recall that a week ago fellow SBM blogger Mark Crislip did a truly amusing takedown of an article by a homeopath purporting to provide us with 50 Facts About Homeopathy that supposedly validate the efficacy of this most amazing form of quackery. Not surprisingly, others wanted to get in on the fun, given how outrageously ridiculous and riddled with numerous logical fallacies the homeopath’s article was. Indeed, that’s why prominent Australian skeptic Peter Bowditch, whose website The Millenium Project is always an entertaining read (except that, at only once every one or two weeks, its updates are too infrequent) couldn’t resist getting in on the action with his answer to A Homeopathic Challenge.

Unfortunately, by the time he hit “Fact” #25 Peter was laughing so hard that, try as he might, he just couldn’t continue with his deconstruction. He does, however, promise to finish up the list in a future installment.

Posted in: Homeopathy, Humor

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Knowledge Versus Expertise: The View From Consumer Land

“The internet, in democratizing knowledge, has led a lot of people to believe that it is also possible to democratize expertise.”

- SBM Commenter, yeahsurewhatever

I’ve spent the last few years of my life in Internet “Consumer Land,” doing what I can to bring accurate health information directly to patients. Of course, I have been surprised by the push-back, and the demand for misinformation. When I first left full time clinical work, it never occurred to me that people would prefer to read falsehoods when provided a clear choice between truth and error. I guess I was pretty naïve.

Journalist Lesley Stahl provided me with some helpful insights during a recent conference. She explained that the Internet has catalyzed a new method of information transfer – speed trumps accuracy, the line between pundits and journalists is blurred, and anyone who can get to a microphone can become an “expert.” Gone are the days of careful sourcing and fact-checking. And gone is the public trust in “mainstream media.”

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Posted in: General, Health Fraud, Humor, Public Health, Science and Medicine, Science and the Media

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The Weekly Waluation of the Weasel Words of Woo #8

Playing with More than a Full Deck!

The passage submitted in the W^5/2 #7 wasn’t an easy one, but intrepid translators, for the most part, offered waluable insights:

Readers were virtually unanimous in the opinion that author Jean Watson, when she uttered it, must have been in an, er, alternative state of consciousness. I can’t imagine what gave them that idea. I mean look at her. No, the answer lies elsewhere, but was unknown even to your faithful judge until after he had posted that fateful entry: Ms. Watson can be nothing other than a High Priestess in the Mysterious Order that shall henceforth be known as the Hazy and Harrying Hermeneutics of Hermano©!

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Posted in: General, Humor, Science and the Media

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The Weekly Waluation of the Weasel Words of Woo #7

What Talent!

I, like Joe, am utterly humbled by the translations of the entry in the W^5/2 #6! Namidim (twice), Stu (m’man!), Michelle B (using the Now-Venerated, Awesome Power of Simple Substitution that had Suddenly Swept Stu to SuperStar Status lo! These many W^5/2s ago!), and Michael X (it’s Larry’s turn to cry!) each nailed that passage lacka split hawg through the Penetrating Power of Poignant Parody©.

Therefore:

I thought it wouldn’t happen for a while, if ever, and I tremble as I write this, but…I have no choice but to confer the legendary, coveted, Soaring Standard of Stu® upon each of the four prodigal W^5/2 scholars named above! My hat is also off to homeboy David Gorski, who followed that passage with a Perfectly Pertinent Post-post Posting©, demonstrating such uncanny, spontaneous timing and recall that he must be Duly Acknowledged as one of the Baddest Bosses of the Blogosphere®. (more…)

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A real “Era III Emergency Room”

Due to the holiday, I have not had time to compose the usual lengthy and analytic post that readers have come to know and (hopefully) love. However, Dr. Atwood’s Weekly Waluation of the Weasel Words of Woo #6 so perfectly brought a famous (or infamous) parody back from the depths of my memory that I had to go straight to YouTube and find it. I think our readers will appreciate if they haven’t seen it before. The quote that inspired me to resurrect this gem is:

This new era is composed of a blend of the best of what we know of physical, material-based medicine (”Era I”), mind-body medicine (”Era II”), and the caring, compassion, and consciousness that characterize “Era III.” A compelling example is given in the use of all three levels of caring in the “Era III Emergency Room.”He vividly shows us a new kind of emergency department in which an auto crash patient is not only stabilized and sutured but has the suggestion of relaxation imagery along with the lidocaine and nylon. Meanwhile, caring healers take a moment to pray and visualize a positive outcome based on the scientific evidence of the effects of nonlocal mind, employing a network of nonlocal healers as they work.

No, this is the real “Era III Emergency Room”:

The sad thing is, I fear that the above video is not too great an exaggeration of the way medicine is going.I will return next Monday (possibly even sooner) with new material.

Posted in: Humor, Science and Medicine

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The Weekly Waluation of the Weasel Words of Woo #6

An Apology

OK, I plead guilty to being a week late in this crucial series—one that has the vast readership of SBM sitting on the edge of its collective seat! Proof of that assertion, of course, is found in the overwhelming number of Waluations submitted for the passage offered in the W^5/2 #5: Six. Another apology, if only a minor one: when I wrote, “the ‘plot’ of that paragraph has a little something that’s different from the usual fare,” I was probably wrong. I thought, somehow, that the passage had promoted the idea that “the integrative medicine movement” might offer physicians an antidote to “the limitations managed care has placed on their earning capacity.” Upon rereading the passage, I realized that it had not explicitly made that assertion.

A Wawiety of Cweative Waluations

Your faithful judge was faced with a difficult task this time: there were several clever and thoughtful Waluations, but they were so different from one another, stylistically, that choosing among them became an Apple ’n’ Orange typa thing. Let’s get to it: (more…)

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The Weekly Waluation of the Weasel Words of Woo #5

The Master Speaks

It was a delightful surprise for me, and I hope for you fans of the W^5/2, to log onto SBM on Thursday and find this blog by Dr. Wallace Sampson. As I mentioned in that long-ago posting that introduced the topic that eventually hatched the W^5/2, Dr. Sampson is my Yoda, when it comes to the topic that he named: Language Distortions. More about that below.

When the Goin’ Gets Tough…

OK, I’ll admit I threw you a curveball last time. That shaman thing rilly was a bit over the top, even if it rilly did come from an honest-to-god Sacred ”CAM” Scroll. Reminds me of something by Jonathan Swift…I can’t remember where…Gulliver, maybe?…he copied, verbatim, a ship captain’s log, recognizing it as a good satire by itself (extra credit for any reader who finds that reference). So I rilly can’t blame Stu (m’man!) and homeboy David Gorski for their reluctance to Waluate that Suckah. Stu, true to expectations, even submitted an additional explanation that was pretty frickin’ funny in its own right.

The Tough Get Goin’!

On the other hand, five readers Dug Down Deep to Deconstruct the Dang Deal, and they deserve full credit! The winner was, without question, Michelle B: she submitted the most comprehensive translation, even providing a comparative look at ancient and modern popular culture. Michelle B, for the W^5/2 #4, You Da Woman.

Second place goes to mmarsh, a newcomer to the W^5/2, who looks like a playah. Here’s hoping he/she becomes a regular.

Honorable mentions for DVMKurmes , Michael X (in an elliptical sort of way), and overshoot, each of whom gave it a shot, if, er, a somewhat abbreviated one. I wasn’t sure whether wertys was offering a formal Waluation or just an amusing observation, but either one is always welcome, of course. Same for the observation of reechard. Keep those cards and letters comin’!

This Week’s Entry

In honor of Dr. Sampson’s recent blog, here’s another snippet from the article whose abstract he translated:

The integrative medicine movement is fueled not only by the dissatisfaction of consumers with conventional medicine, but also by the growing discontent of physicians with changes in their profession. Physicians simply do not have the time to be what patients want them to be: open-minded, knowledgeable teachers and caregivers who can hear and understand their needs. Their unhappiness is not just the result of the limitations managed care has placed on their earning capacity. It is also a response to a loss of autonomy, to a loss of fulfilling relationships with patients, and, for some, to a sense that they are not truly helping people lead healthier lives. Significant numbers of physicians are now quitting medical practice, and applications to medical schools are decreasing precipitously.

As I’m sure you’ll already have noticed, the “plot” of that paragraph has a little something that’s different from the usual fare.

Happy Waluating!

The Misleading Language and Weekly Waluation of the Weasel Words of Woo series:

  1. Lies, Damned Lies, and ‘Integrative Medicine’
  2. Integrative Medicine: “Patient-Centered Care” is the new Medical Paternalism

Posted in: Humor, Medical Academia, Science and Medicine

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