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Santa Visits the Hospital

Since Val has broken the ice, I thought I would offer some more Christmas humor. The following is a Narrative Summary (a report of a hospitalization) that was circulated at the Plattsburgh Air Force hospital where I worked in 1986. I published it in my memoirs, Women Aren’t Supposed to Fly. Unfortunately I don’t know who wrote it, so I can’t give credit where credit is due.

Kringle, K. AD/Arctic AF 0-7 000-00-0000
D & T: ELF
USAF Hospital Plattsburgh, Plattsburgh AFB, NY 12903
Register number: classified.
Date of admission: 24 December 1986
Date of discharge: AMA 0100 25 December 1986

CHIEF COMPLAINT: Frostbitten tallywhacker.
HISTORY OF THE PRESENT ILLNESS: The patient is a three hundred and eight year old supernatural being employed as a stealth sleigh driver, powered by reindeer, who comes in on Christmas Eve stating that he was coming over the northern part of the Yukon Territory and, unfortunately, the fly of his pants came open, and his member was exposed to some rather cold air flowing by at rather high velocity. Unfortunately, he did not notice right at first and attempted to slide down a chimney at which point, he then scraped his member on the edge of the bricks. He now comes in appearing quite uncomfortable, and complaining of pain in his genital area. He also noted some mild abdominal discomfort, and admits to drinking large amounts of ethylene glycol earlier this evening, prior to his trip. The patient is rather vague about his trip but indicates that he really needs to be on his way, and really just wants something for his pain.
PAST AND FAMILY HISTORY: The patient gives a remarkable lack of much past history despite his age. He notes that about this time every year he does get rather anxious and occasionally requires some sedatives to calm him down. He also has occasional bouts with hemorrhoids, and was recently seen at this hospital for the same complaint while on a supply run. Family history is rather unremarkable, in fact, he doesn’t recall that he has any family other than his wife, twenty-two elves, and eight reindeer – one who seems to be constantly bothered by a red and runny nose. He is employed as a sleigh driver for the Arctic Air Force, but fails to reveal much other detail, saying he is on a “Super-Duper Top Clearance Mission.” He does claim to have recently recharged his batteries. Apparently, by that he means he had a nuclear-powered penile implant because he said even at 308 years old he still does enjoy his sexual activity, and that he just wasn’t quite as potent as he used to be.
PHYSICAL EXAMINATION: The patient has a blood pressure of 168/90. Pulse is 72, and regular. Respiratory rate is 18. He is afebrile. The patient is a rather old, jolly fellow. He is dressed in fur from his head to his foot and his clothes are all tarnished with ashes and soot. His eyes have a twinkle, his dimples how merry. His cheeks are like roses, his nose like a cherry. The stump of a pipe he clenches in his teeth, and the smoke encircles his head like a wreath. He is rather short, and has a little round belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. The rest of the examination is remarkable for a rather large member. It appears to have some external abrasions, and some very mild frostbite at the tip. An eerie glow seems to emanate from his left femoral region, this is apparently his nuclear-powered implant.
LABORATORY DATA: Is remarkable for an ethylene glycol level of 38.
DIAGNOSIS: 1. Frostbitten penis secondary to exposure with some external abrasions.
  2. Ethylene glycol intoxication.
  3. Obesity, and mild gastritis secondary to number 2 and to excessive intake of snacks tonight.
COURSE IN THE HOSPITAL: The patient was admitted to the Internal Medicine Service. Surgical consultation with Dr. Costanzo was obtained, who debrided some frostbitten area. Right after this, the patient became quite agitated and signed out against medical advice (AMA) stating that he had a trip which he must complete tonight.
DISPOSITION: The patient was advised to keep his member covered for the remainder of the trip, and that we will look forward to seeing him again next year.

Signature of Physician: William Osler, M.D.

Merry Christmas to All!

Posted in: Humor, Science and Medicine

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Put your fears in perspective

I’m having a helluva Sunday.  My father-in-law’s in the hospital,  it’s 2 degrees out with a wind chill of 40 below, my clothes all smell like latkes, my daughter is having a melt-down, and I screwed up the .xml file for my podcast. The last part reminds me of something—science is hard, and when we step out of our areas of expertise, it’s easy to make some pretty silly mistakes.

If you don’t understand the basics of a subject, it’s easy to form conclusions that seem logical, but these same conclusions seem silly to those who have a deeper understanding of a subject.

With may damned podcast, I’m writing xml files based on templates—little thinking is involved.  I’m looking at other people’s code and inserting my own details, hoping it works.  If I actually understood the syntax of xml files, I could write a correct one based on a solid understanding of the specifics of the subject.

Medicine is one of those areas in which we all feel we should be experts.  After all, we all have a body, and we figure that our bodies follow a logic that we can plainly see—if you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? It all seems so logical.

Colons are full of poop. Poop is yucky. Therefore, cleaning out a colon is good.

Except that it’s not true. The human body is rather complex, and the study of the aggregate of all human bodies living together (e.g. public health) is more complex still.

Since the world of cult medicine hasn’t bothered to learn real science,  they often rest on what sounds “right”.  Like poop being yucky, this is often based on a sliver of fact that is horribly misused due to ignorance.

One of the more popular canards propagated by cult medicine leaders and their followers is that modern medical care kills.  Rather than exploring what the data are and what they mean in order to find a problem and correct it, they manufacture a problem out of whole cloth and come up with non sequitor solutions.

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Posted in: Science and Medicine

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Quackery tolerance – a learned response

Academic politeness turns to the vicious  This is more on the theme of academic and postmodern roots of sectarianism-quackery’s advance on medicine. I illustrate through the personal experience of a noted combatant – Mary Lefkowitz - in the front lines of the war with intellectual and academic buffoonery passing as scholarship. The joke is not in the buffoonery, though. The joke is turning on us.

Some of you are familiar with Prof.Lefkowitz’s academic dispute from publicity last spring. Prof. Lefkowitz is on the list of academic opponents to relativism and postmodernism. Lefkowitz’s travail began in 1993 when another Wellesley faculty member who led a department or course of Africana Studies claimed in lectures that ancient Greek and Roman intellectual advances were lifted from libraries and other sources of ancient Egypt, and that furthermore, those Egyptians were black Africans.

You recognize this as Afrocentrism, one of relativism and postmodernism’s multi-pronged attack on intellectualism and Western civilization. I attended a session on the problem in 1992 (or so) at the AAAS in San Francisco, and did not appreciate or understand what was going on, or why the raised rhetoric and voices. I do now, especially having read excerpts from Lefkowitz’s book, History Lesson, published earlier this year.
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Posted in: Basic Science, Medical Academia, Science and Medicine

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The Syndrome Syndrome

Have you ever heard of heavy leg syndrome? I hadn’t, until I read this BBC article about it – the British are apparently amused at this peculiarly French medical malady. Heavy leg syndrome is a common diagnosis in France, which alone consumes one third of the world’s drugs for this diagnosis.

Diseases certainly vary from population to population based upon genetics, environment, and lifestyle. But can it also vary just based upon the culture of diagnosis? It seems so.

Ever since it was recognized that there exists diseases – that different people can suffer from the same entity, rather than everyone having their own unique illness, the medical profession has described certain clinical presentations as syndromes. This is legitimate, but it must be recognized that this use of the term syndrome is purely descriptive. (As an aside, the term “syndrome” has a different and very specific use in describing certain genetic diseases.)

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Posted in: Science and Medicine

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How SHOULD We Discuss Quackery with Innocents and the Not-so-Innocent?

Recents posts by Drs. Albietz and Gorski have highlighted questions that are recurrent on SBM. We are convinced that medicine should be based on real knowledge, to the extent that it exists, and that physicians should be honest; these are matters of science and ethics. How do we reconcile that with heartfelt, if misguided beliefs of patients, their families, and others? When Dr. Albietz wrote that it might have been better for the chiropractor to visit in the same way that “priests, imams, prayer sessions, rabbis, etc visit children within the PICU,” it was reminiscent of Dr. Peter Moran’s hypothetical “witch doctor.” When he lamented academic medicine’s current dalliances with quackery, it brought to mind the NCCAM, David Katz, Andrew Weil, Bravewell , and their enablers.

Dr. Albietz argued that when talking to credulous patients or their families, taking a hard line against quackery is likely to be counter-productive. Most of us would agree with that. Dr. Gorski described a different scenario: after calling a quack “a quack” when talking to a friend of a friend who is a scientist, he concluded that he had been too “blunt.” Several commenters disagreed, but all would probably agree with Dr. Gorski that “you have to know when to pick one way over another; i.e., diplomacy over all out war or vice versa.”

Another Case of Foot-In-Mouth Disease

I recently had an experience strikingly similar to Dr. Gorski’s, during which I castigated myself for my rancor even as I was incapable of moderating it. Fellow blogger Dr. Val Jones was a witness!

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Posted in: Medical Academia, Medical Ethics, Science and Medicine

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Now there’s something you don’t see on TV every day…

I rather like Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Unfortunately, I seldom get to watch, mainly because I usually show up at work sometime between 7:00 and 7:30 AM, and I don’t like watching more than a few minutes of video on my computer.

However, Hugh Laurie, star of House, was interviewed by Conan and revealed himself to be not unlike me in that he’s definitely a booster of reason and science in medicine over irrationality and dubious “complementary and alternative medicine” (CAM) therapies. In fact, his attitude towards CAM appears to be not at all unlike that of the character he plays on House. Check out the interview. (If you want to watch, the relevant part of the interview begins at about 23:50 into the show.)

For those who might have problems playing Internet video, I’ve found a transcript:
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Posted in: Health Fraud, Humor, Science and Medicine, Science and the Media

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Credulous medical reporting

Science and medicine reporting is hard. In this space and otherswe’ve dealt with some of the problems that arise when “generalist” reporters try to “do” science and medicine. And now, CNN has shut down its science unit. Given the increasing complexity of medical and scientific knowledge, this is very bad news.

As a fine example of poor medical reporting, let’s look at a local business magazine. The article, called “The Fatigue Factor”, is about fibromyalgia, and manages to get it wrong from the very beginning.

Some medical reporting is destined to be bad simply because the topic is too complex for a generalist reporter. But sometimes, a reporter succumbs to journalistic sloth. In this story, for instance, if the reporter had spoken to a recognized local expert rather than a self-proclaimed expert, she would have written a much different article.

Let’s start with the headline:
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Posted in: Science and Medicine, Science and the Media

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Direct-To-Consumer Science

Dr. Olivier Ameisen is a prominent French cardiologist who believes that the muscle-relaxant drug baclofen relieves the cravings of alcoholism. This is indeed an interesting, and as yet unsettled, scientific medical question. Dr. Ameisen has decided to take his personal scientific opinion directly to the public in his book – Le Dernier Verre (The Last Glass). The result has been a surge of interest among alcoholics for this new “miracle cure” for their affliction.

Increasingly the medical community is caught between two opposing imperatives. There is the desire to make medical information freely available and the process of medical research transparent. On the other hand, the public is best served when new ideas in medicine are put through the mill of science before they become part of medical practice. As we enter headlong into the information age these two imperatives are increasingly at odds.

Problems arise when a new treatment, syndrome, intervention, or concept in medicine is promoted to the public prior to undergoing a reasonable degree of scientific vetting. What is the point, after all, of spending tremendous resources on medical research if proponents are going to bypass the process altogether to market their modalities and promote their ideas directly to the public?

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H. influenzae—it ain’t the flu, but it’s still pretty cool

I’ve been thinking about an interesting organism lately, an organism that illustrates some basic principles in science-based medicine.

The organism is called Haemophilus influenzae (H flu), a gram-negative bacterium discovered in the late 19th century. H flu has a great story, both in historic and modern times.

The brilliant microbiologist Richard Pfeiffer isolated H flu from influenza patients in the late 1800′s (hence its name) and for many years, it was believed to be the cause of the epidemic illness, and when the flu pandemic of 1918 hit, researchers worked tirelessly to develop anti-sera against H flu.

But some things weren’t adding up. As thousands died of the flu, doctors were isolating H flu from victims, but also other virulent bacteria such as Streptococcus pneumoniae. Influenza was decimating military camps, and was seriously degrading our ability to fight in WW I, so military bases were a focus of research. Doctors looked for H flu in patients, but could not find it consistently. For example in Camp Dodge, Iowa, an autopsy series showed H flu in only 9.6% of victims.

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Posted in: Science and Medicine, Vaccines

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Google Trends and the Interest in Alternative Medicine

USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

–David Letterman

How popular is alternative medicine? One way is to survey people and ask them. Like all surveys, the nature of the question determines the answer. The first, and probably most referenced, and misquoted, article on ‘alternative’ medicine to address the question was “Unconventional Medicine in the United States — Prevalence, Costs, and Patterns of Use” from the NEJM .

‘Alternative’ proponents quote this article, often as the opening sentence of the paper. “One in three respondents (34 percent) reported using at least one unconventional therapy in the past year.” No one, it appears, ever reads past the abstract. As is so often the case, the substance of the article may not reflect the spin found in the abstract.

There are many issues with this paper (see http://www.quackwatch.org/11Ind/eisenberg.html for a detailed critique) , not the least of which is the definition of unconventional therapy. To get to this huge percentage of users they had to include exercise (26%), prayer (25%) and relaxation techniques (13%) as unconventional therapies. Little did I know that I participate in unconventional therapies every day.

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