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The Weekly Waluation of the Weasel Words of Woo #7

What Talent!

I, like Joe, am utterly humbled by the translations of the entry in the W^5/2 #6! Namidim (twice), Stu (m’man!), Michelle B (using the Now-Venerated, Awesome Power of Simple Substitution that had Suddenly Swept Stu to SuperStar Status lo! These many W^5/2s ago!), and Michael X (it’s Larry’s turn to cry!) each nailed that passage lacka split hawg through the Penetrating Power of Poignant Parody©.

Therefore:

I thought it wouldn’t happen for a while, if ever, and I tremble as I write this, but…I have no choice but to confer the legendary, coveted, Soaring Standard of Stu® upon each of the four prodigal W^5/2 scholars named above! My hat is also off to homeboy David Gorski, who followed that passage with a Perfectly Pertinent Post-post Posting©, demonstrating such uncanny, spontaneous timing and recall that he must be Duly Acknowledged as one of the Baddest Bosses of the Blogosphere®.

This Week’s Entry: Commercial and Machine Entropy are being Scattered to the Universe!

OK, in deference to TsuDoNimh and a few other killjoys, I’ll admit that not every passage in this series has included weasel words per se (Cheeses K. Reist, why can’t some people just lighten up?). The one I’m about to shovel in your direction may not have any weasel words, but it sure illustrates an important feature of the Spectacular Quackular Vernacular®: gobbledygook. It came to mind after the broohaha that followed Wally Sampson’s post of last Thursday, “Touch – a Trojan Horse,” and also because of the words of the Healing Touch Research Coordinator that I quoted yesterday:

Energetic therapy is not (to my knowledge) an evangelical, preaching group of therapists…

Let it be introduced, then, in the words of Kevin Courcey, skeptical nurse extraordinaire, who himself found it quoted in a 1994 Skeptic article by another skeptical nurse, Linda Rosa, co-author of the reviled report “A Close Look at Therapeutic Touch.” Wrote Courcey: ”In a speech heralding the formation of Colorado’s Center for Human Caring, soon to be a hotbed of Therapeutic Touch training, Center Director and former Dean of Nursing Jean Watson waxed philosophic, stating that this was…

‘…part of the universe turning, ushering in one of the seasonal ancient calendar revolutions…appeasing the gods and goddesses of the universe…this leave-taking from the Age of Pisces, after 2,000 years of the Mayan calendar, takes us away from the destruction, the violence, the technological, industrialized war and power into spirit-filled cosmology…commercial and machine entropy are being scattered to the universe and being replaced by guardians, angels in fact, of esthetic mystic and spiritual unification, of human and planetary evolution.’ “

Mr. Courcey added: “Shockingly, the speaker of this cosmic religious drivel was promptly elected President of the National League of Nursing.” Amen, brutha.

Happy Waluating!

The Misleading Language and Weekly Waluation of the Weasel Words of Woo series:

  1. Lies, Damned Lies, and ‘Integrative Medicine’
  2. Integrative Medicine: “Patient-Centered Care” is the new Medical Paternalism

Posted in: Humor, Science and the Media

Leave a Comment (15) ↓

15 thoughts on “The Weekly Waluation of the Weasel Words of Woo #7

  1. Michelle B says:

    Translation:

    I am high as a kite, either on my own internal endorphins or external ones or a combination of both, babbling away as the wont is for intoxicated people, but with a special emphasis on mixing metaphors so egregiously that I need to be hauled away to do community service for my crime against figures of speech or at the very least, be forced to attend a remedial writing class.

  2. Michelle B says:

    Silly me, obviously Jean Watson was short on time and relied upon the Vogon poetry generator for her speech:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/vogonpoetry/lettergen.shtml

  3. overshoot says:

    Being a bit too burdened by ordinary reality, I had to resort to channeling Greater Spirits of Woo:

    the practice of journeying to nonordinary reality to make contact with the world of spirits, to ask their direction in bringing healing back to people and the community. The journey is a controlled trance state that practitioners induce by using repetitive sound (drums, rattles) or movement (dancing) and occasionally by consuming plant substances (e.g., peyote or certain mushrooms).

    I think we can agree that the speaker was, indeed, on a trip to some reality other than our ordinary one and that plant substances can’t be ruled out.

    Returning, besides a serious case of the munchies, I can’t help but read the passage as:

    part of the universe spinning around, flipping out in one of the seasonal out-of-date calendar uprisings…appeasing the gods and goddesses of fashion…this leave-taking from the Age of Reason, after 2,000 years of progress, takes us away from the construction, the reality checks, the practical, abundant freedom and empowerment into spirits-filled astrology…commercial and machine productivity are being scattered to the rust heaps and being replaced by guardians, angels in fact, of esthetic mystic and spiritual unification, of human and planetary devolution.

  4. DVMKurmes says:

    A recent trip to Britain helped to inspire this translation;

    “We should abandon the advances of modern science and technology and return to a time of less industrialized death and destruction, when humans appeased the gods and goddesses of the seasons with individualized human and animal sacrifices. The use of ancient herbs and other drugs, combined with copies of stonehenge will help us to determine the proper times for these festivals and sacrifices to the spirit/energy world, which is the true cause of disease and healing.
    Wouldn’t it be lovely to reverse thousands of years of human cultural and scientific evolution and return to a time of mystery and fear, when the best we could do is offer innocent victims up to try and appease the perceived causes of our ills.”

  5. DVMKurmes says:

    Dang, I guess some of those “other ways of knowing” weren’t so great after all

  6. Michael X says:

    It’s like my car mechanic telling me the way to fix the pinging sound in my car by saying “You just have to bypass the emission of phase-modulated chronoton particles to the secondary power relays to dissipate a temporal flux in the gravometric vortex.”

    I can’t really say anything for the “thoughts” of Jean Watson themselves. They are their own parody. The real scary thing is the fact that he was elected to lead a group of people who are supposed to heal the human body. I wouldn’t trust this guy to lead a doughnut run.

  7. Beowulff says:

    “Welcome to our Daily Kooking show, where we show you how to make the best of woo. Today, we’ll be showing you how to make a fabulous ‘President à la National League of Nursing’.

    Take a rotating universe, and in it, mix equal amounts of Hellenistic and Mayan astrology. Make sure you confuse them well, and keep stirring until it starts looking spirit-filled. If you see any signs of technology, stir less violently until they disappear.

    Misapply some thermodynamics, and scatter your entropy far into the universe. If you can’t find any commercial entropy where you live, machine entropy will do. Add guardians or angels to taste. Leave in the oven until it is esthetically and mystically unified. Best served during planetary evolution.

    We hope you’ll enjoy this woo, we sure did enjoy making it for you! Thank you for watching, and until tomorrow in Daily Kooking.”

  8. Michelle B says:

    right, Michael X, Jean Watson should change careers and start writing for Star Trek type TV shows.

  9. “The real scary thing is the fact that he was elected to lead a group of people who are supposed to heal the human body. I wouldn’t trust this guy to lead a doughnut run.”

    A clarification: Jean Watson is of the fairer sex.
    ( http://www.companionarts.org/care2jean.htm )

  10. Spiv says:

    Oh this is easy. I get to deal with the end-of-worlders and Martianut cranks all day:

    ————————

    “…part of the universe turning, ushering in one of the seasonal ancient calendar revolutions…appeasing the gods and goddesses of the universe…”

    After heavy drinking on new years

    “this leave-taking from the Age of Pisces, after 2,000 years of the Mayan calendar,”

    I found an old calender from 1992 (saved it for the Jesus quotes, and cute kitten pictures). And by the way I’m calculating this in Kitty years (Maya is my kitty’s name)

    “takes us away from the destruction, the violence, the technological, industrialized war and power into spirit-filled cosmology…”

    Hang on, I’ve got to go worship the porcelien throne…

    “…commercial and machine entropy are being scattered to the universe and being replaced by guardians, angels in fact, of esthetic mystic and spiritual unification,”

    (flush) woah, 2000 flushes blue is really, you know, blue! I bet angels are blue too. I feel so enlightened now that I don’t need to go the hospital for alcohol poisoning.

    ” of human and planetary evolution.”

    Wait, what was I talking about? Forget it, who wants to get more evolved on some of this Stoli!

    ———————-

    I get email that reads just like that stuff for why the world is coming to an end, except it’s somehow even more disorganized and un-sober.

  11. Stu says:

    I just want to steal John Stewart’s line from Half-Baked and append “…ON WEED?” to every sentence.

    But that would be too easy.

    ‘…part of the pizza firing, ushering in one of the supercalifrasticexpialidotious Wednesday paper-weight revolutions… appeasing the iPhones and toe nails of the Belmont stakes… this leave-raking from the Age of Ishtar, after 2,000 shakes of the Xanadu town bus, takes us away from the flossing, the hazing, the quantum-level, charcoal-filtered karaoke night and AA meeting into cream-filled paleontology…happy hour and earlobe entropy are being caucused to the felt pen and being wrestled by Yoko Ono, corkscrews in fact, of smelly Estonian and shoe-lace root canals, of Monday and dairy excommunication.’ “

    There. Am I elected now?

  12. TsuDhoNimh says:

    How do I submit an entry for this marvelous contest?

    I found a real woo-zy in Medline!

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